he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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