I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
