I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
