I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
