Yo dont text me then not text me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
try to milk me bitch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
