I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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