I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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