It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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