Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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