Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
