I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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