The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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