Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You are a genius and a whore.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
