I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
