I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
her vagine was all disorganized.
no, he came in my armpit
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize