Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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