when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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