I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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