Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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