im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
