we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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