I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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