I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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