Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize