you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
