Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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