My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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