He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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