Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
where are my eyebrows?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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