i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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