How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
