Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
