Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
