You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
