Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
