Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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