my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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