It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
