About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
