I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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