420 ftw
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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