That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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