woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize