We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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