My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will pee on everything he values.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
