Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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