when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
