this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize