remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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