Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
