and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
