I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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