I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
