I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
