im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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