This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My balls are so social today.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
