I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
