Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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