I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
