is your mom at the bar?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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