The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
