so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
