I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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