there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Houston, we have a squirter
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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