If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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