I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
