Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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