hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize