i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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