I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
